What The Hell Happens? - Reading POA
by IceFloo15781
Summary: Remus, James, Sirius, Lily, Snape, Molly, Arthur, McGonagall and Dumbledore go into Dumbledore's office and find that it has changed. In the middle of the room is a book titled Harry Potter and The Prisoner of Azkaban... What do they do? Read it of course. I AM SIRIUSLYLOOPYDORA ON ANOTHER ACCOUNT!
1. Owl Post

**Okay people it is I SiriuslyLoopyDora on another account - I am re- posting this on here because I think it would be easier to see them all if I have them all the books on one account.**

**The only reason I stopped last time is because some one reported me and it got deleted so I'm just going to say this now...**

**DISCLAIMER: I AM NOT JK ROWLING!**

**Warning: Swearing**

* * *

Dumbledore was never really a man to call students up to his office for doing something wrong, that's what made this situation so confusing. As Remus Lupin, James Potter, Sirius Black and Lily Evans, all Gryffindor seventh years, made their way to Dumbledore's office they couldn't help but feel a little worried for themselves. What had they done wrong?

"I swear to Merlin Potter if you've gotten us in trouble, I will kill you." Lily threatened, her anger flaring up. No way was she going to allow James Potter stop her from graduating Hogwarts.

"Hey why do you think I did something?" James replied hotly, but couldn't help not thinking Lily looked so cute when she's angry with him.

"Because it's nearly always you who gets us into trouble" She sighed.

Sirius wasn't too pleased that it was only James who she thought was the troublemaker "Hey don't give him all the credit… Remus and I are pranksters as well how do you know we didn't do anything."

Lily just shook her head with fury. Walking up the stairs to Professor Dumbledore's office the four Gryffindor's were surprised to see they were not the only one's there. Severus Snape and Regulus Black were sitting on chairs just outside Dumbledore's door.

Sirius' face hardened, he hated his brother with a passion and to see him here now did not lighten his mood for coming up here "What are you doing here?" he question his fifth year brother who just looked up at him and shrugged his shoulders.

James' eyes went to Snape's and they just glared at each other. They stayed like that glaring at each other until an amused voice broke their concentration.

"Well I see you have all arrived safely" Dumbledore spoke with an amused voice, his eyes twinkling madly. "If all of you would like to step into my office I would be happy to tell you why I have summoned you here."

They all went into Dumbledore's office to find it didn't look like it usually did, instead of all the artefacts and the desk what normally occupied the room it had transfigured itself to look like a cosy lounge. It had a two, two seater couches and six, comfortable looking, beanbags on the floor. In the room was also professor McGonagall not looking too impressed.

"Take a seat all of you on the bean bags… Today I walked into my office to find it like this-"

James cut him off with "We didn't do it… We swear"

"I know you didn't Mr Potter" Dumbledore said smiling. "As I was saying I walked in to see my office like this and I saw a book with a message on it in the middle of the floor. This message has informed me that this book is from the future and we must read it."

"Sorry we're late professor" Molly Weasley came in with her husband. "It was hell trying to get people to babysit the children."

"That's all right, take a seat" They took the other couch.

The seventh years and fifth years just stared in shock at Dumbledore… Was he serious?

Dumbledore continued "We must take it all in turns to read **"Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban." **James paled at the name.

"Way to go Prongsie you must get a kid out of your pipe" Sirius joked. James just smiled he could always count on Sirius to make good out of a weird situation.

"Who wants to start then." Dumbledore asked. No one volunteered so Dumbledore just threw the book to Remus and said "You start Mr Lupin."

Remus opened the book and started to read.

**Chapter 1 – Owl Post**

**Harry Potter was a highly unusual boy in many ways.**

"That's not a very nice way to introduce someone" Lily huffed.

**For one thing he hated the summer holidays more than any other time of the year. For another, he really wanted to do his homework,**

"WHAT!" James exclaimed "He likes doing homework… The Horror"

Everyone laughed at James, even Lily smirked.

**But was forced to do it in secret, at the dead of night. And he also happened to be a wizard.**

"What's so unusual about that?" Sirius questioned.

Getting annoyed Remus said deadly calm "Sirius shut up and let me read"

**It was nearly midnight, and he was lying on his front in bed, the covers over his head like a tent, a torch in one hand and a large leather bound book (**_**A History of Magic, **_**By Bathida Bagshot) propped open against the pillow. **

"Why is he doing it so late?" Regulus asked, why doesn't he just do it by day?

"Don't know" Remus answered honestly. "But what I do know is he is a double dose of his mother's side, if he likes doing homework and is willing to do it so late" he smirked. He is having his suspicions on who the mother is and his guess so far is that Lily had finally fallen for the Potter charm because there is not a lot of people who love homework. Also Remus knew for sure Lily's dad was called Harold.

**Harry moved the tip of his eagle-feather quill down the page, frowning as he looked for something that would help him write his essay, 'Witch Burning in the Fourteenth Century Was Completely Pointless – Discuss.'**

**The quill paused at the top of a likely looking paragraph. Harry pushed his round glasses up his nose,**

"Looks like he's got your appalling eye sight" Severus joked in a nasty way causing James to glare and him and Mr Weasley push their glasses up their noses self-consciously.

**Moved his torch closer to the book and read**

_**Non-Magic people (More commonly known as Muggles) were particularly afraid of magic in medieval times, but not very good at recognising it. On the rare occasion that they did catch a real Witch or Wizard, burning had no effect whatsoever. The witch or wizard would perform a basic flame freezing charm and then pretend to shriek with pain while enjoying a gentle, tickling sensation. Indeed, Wendelin the weird enjoyed being burnt so much that she allowed herself to be caught no fewer than forty-seven times in various disguises.**_

"Huh that's actually really interesting. Hey why don't we pay more attention in class Padfoot" Everyone just stared at James with their mouths open. Professor McGonagall couldn't help a chuckle getting past her lips at what her pupil just said.

"What?"

"You heard me"

To stop this conversation from continuing Remus decided to keep reading because he knew this would end up getting weird because of their different views.

**Harry put the quill between his teeth and reached underneath his pillow for his ink bottle and roll of parchment.**

Throughout that last sentence Severus was just staring at Lily. No she couldn't of fell for that dunderhead. But Lily was the only person he had ever seen who does that with her quill. 'No don't be stupid' he thought to himself.

**Slowly and very carefully he unscrewed the ink bottle, dipped the quill into it and began to write, pausing every now and then to listen, because if any of the Dursleys**

"Hold up, who the hell are the Dursleys." James asked looking round to see if anyone knew the answer. Lily had gone pale.

"I think it's my sister's boyfriend's surname" she answered not looking up to meet anyone's eyes.

Remus didn't know whether to continue or not but a look from Lily which frankly nearly made him shit his pants made him continue

**heard the scratching of his quill on their way to the bathroom, he'd probably find himself locked in the cupboard under the stairs for the rest of the Summer**

"Who would do that to a child?" Lily asked to herself angrily… she too had realised who the mother was and she did not like the way he son is being treated. When she gets home Vernon will have Hell to pay.

**The Dursley family of number four, Privet Drive, was the reason that Harry never enjoyed the summer holidays. Uncle Vernon, Aunt Petunia**

Everything finally clicked and a huge grin marred James' face. He turned to face Lily who just blushed and said "Oh Christ"

James jumped up with a triumphant grin and shouted for all to hear "YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEES! I HAVE A CHILD WITH LILY EVANS. MY LIFE'S AMBITION TO DATE LILY EVANS HAS BEEN SUCESSFUL." He did a little victory dance round the room the marauders, Regulus, Molly and Arthur laughing like crazy as James spun McGonagall, who was now in cat form, round the room continuing his dance. Lily just blushed like crazy wondering how she ever falled for him. Snape wasn't happy at all though about the news he just looked at Lily, his old friend, and sighed. Why had he been so stupid that day?

Once everyone had settled down Remus continued to read his voice lost its cheerfulness as he read the next few lines.

**And their son, Dudley, were Harry's only living relatives.**

"Oh Merlin." Molly said and turned to her husband and started weeping.

The rest couldn't speak, they all knew what that meant. James and Lily were dead.

After a while drying up people's tears Remus decided to continue his voice was raw because of unshed tears trying to stay strong for the group's sake.

Dumbledore's eyes had lost its sparkle.

**They were muggles, and they had a very medieval attitude towards magic. Harry's dead parents, who had been a witch and a wizard themselves, were never mentioned under the Dursleys roof. For years, Aunt Petunia and Uncle Vernon had hoped that if they kept Harry at downtrodden as possible, they could be able to squash the magic out of him.**

Sirius who's mood had become very dark as has everyone else suddenly roared "That's not the way it works"

People didn't even nod they were too caught up with Harry and how the Dursleys treated him.

Even Regulus and Snape sympathised. With Snape comparing Vernon to his own father who tried the very same thing except a little more force full and Regulus, who was actually nothing at all like his family, just thinking on how it wasn't fair to do that to a kid.

**To their fury, they had been unsuccessful, and now lived in terror of anyone finding out that Harry had spent most of the last two years at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. The most the Dursleys could do these days was to lock away Harry's spell books, wand, cauldron and broomstick **

"I wonder which broom he has." Regulus wondered out loud.

That got James started "I don't know I hope it's a good one, wait he has a broom does that mean he plays Quidditch. I wonder which position he plays. I wonder if he's good. Wait who got it him?"

Remus rolled his eyes "James if you shut up and let me read the book will probably tell you."

He looked down "Sorry Remus"

**At the start of the summer holidays and forbid him to talk to the neighbors.**

**The separation from his spell books had been a real problem for Harry, because his teachers at Hogwarts had given him a lot of holiday work**

"That wasn't very nice" Sirius directed this to McGonagall who just glared at Sirius. "You really do need to let us have a bit of fun during the holidays so quit with homework."

"Mr Black If I were you I would stop talking now, before I do something I'd regret." McGonagall threatened. Sirius Audibly gulped at this causing his younger brother to laugh only to have the death glare sent his way.

**One of the essays, a particularly nasty one about shrinking potions, was for Harry's least favourite teacher, Professor Snape,**

The room was quiet for a moment until James decided to break the silence "How in hell did that greasy git become a professor?"

Snape just glared at him and answered "Unlike you Potter I am very good at that particular subject so I can pass my skills onto future generations… but it does seem your son does not have that gift but he has inherited your vendetta against me."

"I'm so proud, that's my boy." James smiled wiping a fake tear from his eye to show his proudness.

Remus just smiled at Snape and murmured congratulations quietly in order for his friends not to hear. Snape just nodded and took no real notice of him. You can't say Remus doesn't try to be friendly with him.

Dumbledore saw the quiet exchange and smiled to see that Remus doesn't have the same views on the boy as his friends do. Remus is truly becoming a lovely young man with a heart of gold.

**Who would be delighted to have an excuse to give Harry detention for a month.**

"Git" James muttered.

**Harry had therefore seized his chance in the first week of the holidays. While Uncle Vernon, Aunt Petunia and Dudley had gone out into the front garden to admire Uncle Vernon's new company car**

"I know this sounds stupid but what the hell is a car?" Regulus asked timidly. All the purebloods looked towards Lily and Remus (Who were sat next to each other.)

Remus just smiled and answered in a kind way not making them feel stupid "It's a muggle contraption which allows you to get to places by the means of technology."

"How do you know that?" Arthur questioned.

"My mums a muggle and my dad's a half blood but my granddad is a muggle born so my dad got taught this stuff too."

They all nodded and shrugged.

**(in very loud voices so that the rest of the street would notice it too),**

"Arsehole" Lily coughed. Everyone just looked at her, she just smiled innocently.

**Harry had crept downstairs, picked the lock on the cupboard under the stairs, grabbed some of his books and hidden them in his bedroom.**

Sirius just laughed at this and said in a proud tone "He is truly yours and Lily's son… He can pick a lock like James but the thing he goes for is school equipment"

James and Lily just gave a little smile to each other at that, James thought he could feel his heart swell at the sight of Lily smiling at him.

**As long as he didn't as he didn't leave spots of ink on the sheets, the Dursleys need never know that he was studying magic by night.**

**Harry was keen to avoid trouble with his aunt and uncle at the moment, as they were already in a bad mood with him, all because he'd received a telephone call from one week into the school holidays.**

"Oh this is going to be trouble" Remus muttered to himself before continuing.

**Ron Weasley,**

"I wonder what number he is" Arthur said smiling. His family already consisted of five year old Bill, 4 year old Charlie, two year old Percy and a very early staged pregnancy with twins.

**Who was one of Harry's best friends at Hogwarts, came from a whole family of wizards. This meant that he knew a lot of things Harry didn't, but had never used a telephone before. Most unluckily it had been Uncle Vernon who had answered the call.**

Remus, Lily, Snape, Dumbledore and McGonagall all groaned this was not going to end well. All the purebloods just stared at them confusion on their faces.

"**Vernon Dursley speaking"**

**Harry who happened to be in the same room at the time, froze as he heard Ron's voice** **answer**

Remus snorted before continuing. He'd been in a situation like this himself with James and Sirius.

"**HELLO? HELLO? CAN YOU HERE ME? I – WANT- TO – TALK- TO – HARRY – POTTER!"**

All the people in the room began laughing uncontrollably, even Snape couldn't help cracking a smile.

"Does that remind you of something Sirius, James?" Remus looked at the people in question, who blushed.

"That was once and we didn't know how to work a telephone" Sirius said.

"I know but you didn't have to start yelling at my mum telling her to exercises." Remus grinned. His mum was so scared from the people on the phone she started doing everything they were saying. She didn't even notice how stupid she was until James and Sirius came over later that day. She got her revenge though and Sirius and James made sure never to use a telephone again.

**Ron was yelling so loudly that Uncle Vernon jumped and held the receiver a foot away from his ear, staring at it with an expression of mingled fury and alarm.**

"**WHO IS THIS?" he roared in the direction of the mouth piece. "WHO ARE YOU?"**

"Remmy you're meant to shout at those parts." James whined.

"Okay well when you read you can shout but I am not going to."

"**RON – WEASLEY!" Ron bellowed back, as though he and Uncle Vernon were speaking from opposite ends of a football pitch. "I'M – A – FRIEND – OF – HARRY'S – AT – SCHOOL –" **

Molly and Arthur shook their heads at their future sons' stupidity but were also laughing because of what he was doing on the phone… 'It is something Arthur would do' Molly thought to herself.

**Uncle Vernon's small eyes swivelled around to Harry, who was rooted to the spot.**

"Make a run for it" Sirius was surprised to hear it was his brother's voice that had been egging Harry on to get out of there.

"**THERE IS NO HARRY POTTER HERE!" he roared, now holding the receiver at arm's length, as though frightened it might explode**

"Wuss" Lily murmured.

"**I DON'T KNOW WHAT SCHOOL YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT! DON'T YOU COME NEAR MY FAMILY!"**

Everyone glared at the book, each thinking different wordsof hate towards Vernon Dursley.

**And he threw the receiver back onto the telephone as if dropping a poisonous spider.**

**The row that had followed had been one of the worst ever.**

"**HOW DARE YOU GIVE THIS NUMBER TO PEOPLE LIKE – PEOPLE LIKE YOU!" Uncle Vernon roared, spraying Harry with spit.**

"Eww" Lily said disgusted.

"**Ron obviously realised that he'd got Harry into trouble, because he hadn't called again. Harry's other best friend from Hogwarts, Hermione Granger, hadn't been in touch either.**

"Oooh he has a lady friend" Sirius joked.

"Shut up Sirius" Lily threatened.

**Harry suspected that Ron had warned Hermione not to call, which was a pity, because Hermione, the cleverest witch in Harry's year, had Muggle parents, knew perfectly well how to use a telephone, and would probably have had enough sense not to say that she went to Hogwarts.**

**So Harry had no word from any of his wizarding friends for five long weeks,**

Sirius smiled sadly, he knew what that was like. When he was living in Grimmauld place his mother would never allow him to send letters to James and Remus under the terms that they are half breeds and blood traitors.

**And this summer was turning out to almost be as bad as the last one.**

"I wonder what happened last year" Dumbledore asked they all just shrugged.

**There was just one, very small improvement: after swearing that he wouldn't use her to send letters to any of his friends, Harry had been allowed to let his owl, Hedwig, out at night. Uncle Vernon had given in because of the racket Hedwig made if she was locked in her cage all the time.**

"Should have kept her in to annoy him" Regulus muttered.

**Harry finished writing about Wendelin the Weird and paused to listen again. The silence in the dark house was broken only by the distant, grunting snores of his enormous cousin, Dudley.**

"I bet he's a bully" Lily said frowning… Hoping it is not her son who is the victim.

**It must be very late, Harry thought. His eyes were itching with tiredness. Perhaps he'd finish this essay tomorrow night…**

**He replaced the top of the ink bottle; pulled an old pillowcase from under his bed; put the flashlight, A History of Magic, his essay, quill, and ink inside it; got out of bed; and hid the lot under a loose floorboard under his bed. Then he stood up, stretched, and checked the time on the luminous alarm clock on his bedside table.**

**It was one o'clock in the morning. Harry's stomach gave a funny jolt. He had been thirteen years old, without realizing it, for a whole hour.**

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY!" Sirius shouted at the top of his voice earning a whole lot of complaining from people to shut him up.

"Anyway it's not his birthday now." Snape said sullenly.

**Yet another unusual thing about Harry was how little he looked forward to his birthdays. He had never received a birthday card in his life. The Dursleys had completely ignored his last two birthdays, and he had no reason to suppose they would remember this one**.

Sirius growled… even he got birthday cards and his parents had hated him from birth. But something about that sentence dawned Sirius of his whereabouts.

"Hey where are Moony and me… surely we would get him a birthday card and a big present."

Remus frowned, Sirius had a point, Where were they?

**Harry walked across the dark room, past Hedwig's large, empty cage, to the open window. He leaned on the sill, the cool night air pleasant on his face after a long time under the blankets. Hedwig had been absent for two nights now. Harry wasn't worried about her: she'd been gone this long before. But he hoped she'd be back soon — she was the only living creature in this house who didn't flinch at the sight of him.**

James and Lily frowned.

**Harry, though still rather small and skinny for his age, had grown a few inches over the last year. His jet-black hair, however, was just as it always had been — stubbornly untidy, whatever he did to it. **

"Haha well he's not only got the Potter bad eye sight, he's also got that mop on his head… I feel sorry for him" James wresteled Sirius to the ground in a play fight.

Dumbledore was furious to hear that James' son had seemed to be starved.

**The eyes behind his glasses were bright green, **

"Yes" James loved Lily's eyes.

**and on his forehead, clearly visible through his hair, was a thin scar, shaped like a bolt of lightning.**

Dumbledore looked stricken at this

**Of all the unusual things about Harry, this scar was the most extraordinary of all. It was not, as the Dursleys had pretended for ten years, a souvenir of the car crash that had killed Harry's parents, **

"Ha, it take a whole lot more than a car crash to kill me"

**because Lily and James Potter had not died in a car crash. They had been murdered, murdered by the most feared Dark wizard for a hundred years, Lord Voldemort.**

Arthur, Molly, McGonagall, Regulus, Lily and Snape all flinched.

"Jeez it's only a name" Remus grumbled before continueing.

**Harry had escaped from the same attack with nothing more than a scar on his forehead, where Voldemort's curse, instead of killing him, had rebounded upon its originator. Barely alive, Voldemort had fled…**

Regulus smirked at the thought of Voldemort defeated.

**But Harry had come face-to-face with him at Hogwarts. Remembering their last meeting as he stood at the dark window, Harry had to admit he was lucky even to have reached his thirteenth birthday.**

**He scanned the starry sky for a sign of Hedwig, perhaps soaring back to him with a dead mouse dangling from her beak, expecting praise. Gazing absently over the rooftops, it was a few seconds before Harry realized what he was seeing.**

**Silhouetted against the golden moon,**

"The moon isn't gold" Remus murmured.

**and growing larger every moment, was a large, strangely lopsided creature, and it was flapping in Harry's direction. He stood quite still, watching it sink lower and lower. For a split second he hesitated, his hand on the window latch, wondering whether to slam it shut. But then the bizarre creature soared over one of the street lamps of Privet Drive, and Harry, realizing what it was, leapt aside.**

**Through the window soared three owls, two of them holding up the third, which appeared to be unconscious. **

"Errol" Molly said slapping her hand against her forehead.

**They landed with a soft flump on Harry's bed, and the middle owl, which was large and grey, keeled right over and lay motionless. There was a large package tied to its legs.**

**Harry recognized the unconscious owl at once — his name was Errol, and he belonged to the Weasley family. Harry dashed to the bed, untied the cords around Errol's legs, took off the parcel, and then carried Errol to Hedwig's cage. Errol opened one bleary eye, gave a feeble hoot of thanks, and began to gulp some water.**

"Daft old bird"

**Harry turned back to the remaining owls. One of them, the large snowy female, was his own Hedwig. She, too, was carrying a parcel and looked extremely pleased with herself. She gave Harry an affectionate nip with her beak as he removed her burden, then flew across the room to join Errol.**

**Harry didn't recognize the third owl, a handsome tawny one, but he knew at once where it had come from, because in addition to a third package,**

"BIRTHDAY PRESENTS" Sirius once again shouted and was once again the subject of complaining.

**it was carrying a letter bearing the Hogwarts crest. When Harry relieved this owl of its burden, it ruffled its feathers importantly, stretched its wings, and took off through the window into the night.**

**Harry sat down on his bed and grabbed Errol's package, ripped off the brown paper, and discovered a present wrapped in gold and his first ever birthday card. Fingers trembling slightly, he opened the envelope. Two pieces of paper fell out — a letter and a newspaper clipping.**

**The clipping had clearly come out of the wizarding newspaper, the Daily Prophet, because the people in the black-and-white picture were moving. Harry picked up the clipping, smoothed it out, and read:**

_**MINISTRY OF MAGIC EMPLOYEE SCOOPS GRAND PRIZE**_

_**Arthur Weasley, Head of the Misuse of Muggle Artifacts Office at the Ministry of Magic, has won the annual Daily Prophet Grand Prize Galleon Draw.**_

"Yes" Arthur cheered.

_**A delighted Mr. Weasley told the Daily Prophet, "We will be spending the gold on a summer holiday in Egypt, where our eldest son, Bill, works as a curse breaker for Gringotts Wizarding Bank."**_

_**The Weasley family will be spending a month in Egypt, returning for the start of the new school year at Hogwarts, which five of the Weasley children currently attend.**_

**Harry scanned the moving photograph, and a grin spread across his face as he saw all nine of the Weasleys waving furiously at him, standing in front of a large pyramid. Plump little Mrs. Weasley; tall, balding Mr. Weasley; six sons; and one daughter, all (though the black-and-white picture didn't show it) with flaming-red hair. Right in the middle of the picture was Ron, tall and gangling, with his pet rat, Scabbers, on his shoulder and his arm around his little sister, Ginny.**

The two Weasley's grinned at their descriptions and Molly was overjoyed to hear that she finally has a girl.

**Harry couldn't think of anyone who deserved to win a large pile of gold more than the Weasleys, who were very nice and extremely poor. He picked up Ron's letter and unfolded it.**

_**Dear Harry,**_

_**Happy birthday!**_

_**Look, I'm really sorry about that telephone call. I hope the Muggles didn't give you a hard time. I asked Dad, and he reckons I shouldn't have shouted.**_

_**It's amazing here in Egypt. Bill's taken us around all the tombs and you wouldn't believe the curses those old Egyptian wizards put on them. Mum wouldn't let Ginny come in the last one. There were all these mutant skeletons in there, of Muggles who'd broken in and grown extra heads and stuff.**_

_**I couldn't believe it when Dad won the Daily Prophet Draw. Seven hundred galleons! Most of it's gone on this trip, but they're going to buy me a new wand for next year.**_

**Harry remembered only too well the occasion when Ron's old wand had snapped. It had happened when the car the two of them had been flying to Hogwarts had crashed into a tree on the school grounds.**

_**We'll be back about a week before term starts and we'll be going up to London to get my wand and our new books. Any chance of meeting you there?**_

_**Don't let the Muggles get you down!**_

_**Try and come to London,**_

_**Ron**_

_**P.S. Percy's Head Boy. He got the letter last week."**_

Lily smiled at Molly and said "I'm glad your son id my sons friend" Molly smiled back and put her hand on her stomach.

**Harry glanced back at the photograph. Percy, who was in his seventh and final year at Hogwarts, was looking particularly smug. He had pinned his Head Boy badge to the fez perched jauntily on top of his neat hair, his horn-rimmed glasses flashing in the Egyptian sun.**

**Harry now turned to his present and unwrapped it. Inside was what looked like a miniature glass spinning top. There was another note from Ron beneath it.**

_**Harry — this is a Pocket Sneakoscope. If there's someone untrustworthy around, it's supposed to light up and spin. Bill says it's rubbish sold for wizard tourists and isn't reliable, because it kept lighting up at dinner last night. But he didn't realize Fred and George had put beetles in his soup.**_

"I've always wanted one of those" Regulus said in awe.

"Why don't you just ask mum she's be happy to buy you one."

"My life doesn't always revolve around the black family."

Sirius' eyes widened and stared at his little brother who just smirked.

**Bye **

**Ron**

**Harry put the Pocket Sneakoscope on his bedside table, where it stood quite still, balanced on its point, reflecting the luminous hands of his clock. He looked at it happily for a few seconds, then picked up the parcel Hedwig had brought.**

**Inside this, too, there was a wrapped present, a card, and a letter, this time from Hermione.**

_**Dear Harry,**_

_**Ron wrote to me and told me about his phone call to your Uncle Vernon. I do hope you're all right.**_

_**I'm on holiday in France at the moment and I didn't know how I was going to send this to you — what if they'd opened it at customs? — but then Hedwig turned up! I think she wanted to make sure you got something for your birthday for a change. I bought your present by owl-order; there was an advertisement in the Daily Prophet (I've been getting it delivered; it's so good to keep up with what's going on in the wizarding world. Did you see that picture of Ron and his family a week ago? I bet he's learning loads. I'm really jealous — the ancient Egyptian wizards were fascinating.**_

_**There's some interesting local history of witchcraft here, too. I've rewritten my whole History of Magic essay to include some of the things I've found out, I hope it's not too long — it's two rolls of parchment more than Professor Binns asked for.**_

_**Ron says he's going to be in London in the last week of the holidays. Can you make it? Will your**_

_**aunt and uncle let you come? I really hope you can. If not, I'll see you on the Hogwarts Express on September first!**_

_**Love from Hermione**_

"Oooooh she said love" Lily aimed a cushion towards Sirius' head.

_**P.S. Ron says Percy's Head Boy. I'll bet Percy's really pleased. Ron doesn't seem too happy about it.**_

**Harry laughed as he put Hermione's letter aside and picked up her present. It was very heavy. Knowing Hermione, he was sure it would be a large book full of very difficult spells — but it wasn't. His heart gave a huge bound as he ripped back the paper and saw a sleek black leather case, with silver words stamped across it, reading Broomstick Servicing Kit.**

"Wow" James, Sirius and Regulus all said at the same time. Remus rolled his eyes at the trio.

**"Wow, Hermione!" Harry whispered, unzipping the case to look inside.**

Everybody laughed at the resemblance between father and son.

**There was a large jar of Fleetwood's High-Finish Handle Polish, a pair of gleaming silver Tail-Twig Clippers, a tiny brass compass to clip on your broom for long journeys, and a Handbook of Do-It-Yourself Broomcare.**

**Apart from his friends, the thing that Harry missed most about Hogwarts was Quidditch, the most popular sport in the magical world — highly dangerous, very exciting, and played on broomsticks. Harry happened to be a very good Quidditch player; he had been the youngest person in a century to be picked for one of the Hogwarts House teams. One of Harry's most prized possessions was his Nimbus Two Thousand racing broom.**

"Wooo go Harry" James cheered.

**Harry put the leather case aside and picked up his last parcel. He recognized the untidy scrawl on the brown paper at once: this was from Hagrid, the Hogwarts gamekeeper. He tore off the top layer of paper and glimpsed something green and leathery, but before he could unwrap it properly, the parcel gave a strange quiver, and whatever was inside it snapped loudly — as though it had jaws.**

"Trust Hagrid" McGonagall whispered to herself.

**Harry froze. He knew that Hagrid would never send him anything dangerous on purpose, but then, Hagrid didn't have a normal person's view of what was dangerous. Hagrid had been known to befriend giant spiders, buy vicious, three-headed dogs from men in pubs, and sneak illegal dragon eggs into his cabin.**

"Yeah that sounds like Hagrid" Molly agreed.

**Harry poked the parcel nervously. It snapped loudly again. Harry reached for the lamp on his bedside table, gripped it firmly in one hand, and raised it over his head, ready to strike.**

"That's a bit over the top"

**Then he seized the rest of the wrapping paper in his other hand and pulled. And out fell — a book. Harry just had time to register its handsome green cover, emblazoned with the golden title The Monster Book of Monsters, before it flipped onto its edge and scuttled sideways along the bed like some weird crab.**

**"Uh-oh," Harry muttered.**

**The book toppled off the bed with a loud clunk and shuffled rapidly across the room. Harry followed it stealthily. The book was hiding in the dark space under his desk. Praying that the Dursleys were still fast asleep, Harry got down on his hands and knees and reached toward it.**

**"Ouch!"**

**The book snapped shut on his hand and then flapped past him, still scuttling on its covers. Harry scrambled around, threw himself forward, and managed to flatten it. Uncle Vernon gave a loud, sleepy grunt in the room next door.**

"Pig" Lily once again insulted.

**Hedwig and Errol watched interestedly as Harry clamped the struggling book tightly in his arms, hurried to his chest of drawers, and pulled out a belt, which he buckled tightly around it. The Monster Book shuddered angrily, but could no longer flap and snap, so Harry threw it down on the bed and reached for Hagrid's card.**

_**Dear Harry,**_

_**Happy Birthday!**_

_**Think you might find this useful for next year. Won't say no more here. Tell you when I see you.**_

_**Hope the Muggles are treating you right.**_

_**All the best,**_

_**Hagrid**_

**It struck Harry as ominous that Hagrid thought a biting book would come in useful, but he put Hagrid's card up next to Ron's and Hermione's, grinning more broadly than ever. Now there was only the letter from Hogwarts left.**

Lily smiled, at the thought of her son being happy.

**Noticing that it was rather thicker than usual, Harry slit open the envelope, pulled out the first page of parchment within, and read:**

_**Dear Mr. Potter,**_

_**Please note that the new school year will begin on September the first. The Hogwarts Express will leave from King's Cross station, platform nine and three-quarters, at eleven o'clock.**_

_**Third years are permitted to visit the village of Hogsmeade on certain weekends. Please give the enclosed permission form to your parent or guardian to sign.**_

_**A list of books for next year is enclosed.**_

_**Yours sincerely,**_

_**Professor M. McGonagall**_

_**Deputy Headmistress**_

"Do you think the Dursleys will let Harry go to Hogsmeade" No one answered Sirius' question, he'd take that as a no to the animagus' disappointment.

**Harry pulled out the Hogsmeade permission form and looked at it, no longer grinning. It would be wonderful to visit Hogsmeade on weekends;**

"It's a great place" Remus muttered sadly.

** he knew it was an entirely wizarding village, and he had never set foot there. But how on earth was he going to persuade Uncle Vernon or Aunt Petunia to sign the form?**

**He looked over at the alarm clock. It was now two o'clock in the morning.**

**Deciding that he'd worry about the Hogsmeade form when he woke up, Harry got back into bed and reached up to cross off another day on the chart he'd made for himself, counting down the days left until his return to Hogwarts. Then he took off his glasses and lay down; eyes open, facing his three birthday cards.**

**Extremely unusual though he was, at that moment Harry Potter felt just like everyone else — glad, for the first time in his life, that it was his birthday.**

"That's the end of the chapter" Remus said finally.

"I swear to god I'm gonna kill Vernon Dursley if I ever get the chance." James said.

"Who wants to read next?" Remus looked round.

"I will" Sirius volunteered taking the book out of Remus' hand then sitting back against his bean bag.

**Chapter 2 - Aunt Marge's Big Mistake**

* * *

**Okay so what did you think of me re-posting... Are you happy?**

**If there is anything you want me to check on this story, I will just tell me. I was kind of in a rush.**

**PLEASE REVIEW!**


	2. Aunt Marge's Big Mistake

**Disclaimer: ME NOT JK ROWLING!**

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"**Aunt Marge's Big Mistake" **Sirius read out loud.

Lily groaned at the name, she remembered when Petunia had brought Vernon and her sister for dinner one day. It ended with her dog, Ripper, biting Mr Evans on the leg, Mrs Evans getting all flustered because Marge was commenting on her food, Petunia and Vernon talking about how much the love each other at the table (which made Lily gag) and Lily getting called a freak.

"I hope my son does something really bad to that old hag" Lily said with fury, her face reddening so it sunk in with her hair. "Hope he waxes off that tash of hers, she looks like a bull"

James and Sirius started laughing at this; they both knew Lily had a temper but when Lily started insulting people they knew that person must have done something really bad.

Severus gave out a chuckle, he too knew that Marge looked like a bull.

When everyone had stopped laughing and smirking. Sirius once again picked up the book, which had fell on the floor, and began to read.

**Harry went down to breakfast the next morning to find the three Dursleys already sitting around the kitchen table. They were watching a brand-new television, a welcome-home-for-the-summer present for Dudley, who had been complaining loudly about the long walk between the fridge and the television in the living room. **

Molly looked disgusted "How lazy could one person be?" she asked herself, glad none of her children were like that.

**Dudley had spent most of the summer in the kitchen, his piggy little eyes fixed on the screen and his five chins wobbling as he ate continually.**

"Five chins" Remus said, he had never been one to judge but that was just too much.

"You should see Vernon he has ten" Lily said rolling her eyes, Remus gave a look of pure shock which made Lily chuckle.

**Harry sat down between Dudley and Uncle Vernon, a large, beefy man with very little neck and a lot of moustache. **

"Same as his sister" Snape coughed, Regulus just laughed at his friend.

**Far from wishing Harry a happy birthday, none of the Dursleys made any sign that they had noticed Harry enter the room, but Harry was far too used to this to care.**

"Gits" Sirius muttered before he continued, Remus just nodded in agreement.

**He helped himself to a piece of toast and then looked up at the reporter on the television, who was halfway through a report on an escaped convict.**

**"… the public is warned that Black**

The room was quiet for a moment, Regulus gulped.

"Lily… Is Black a popular surname to muggles" Lily nodded, but didn't think it could be any muggle.

"Well" Sirius said loudly "If it is was of us Reg, it will definitely be you because no way would I end up getting in prison… I'd rather die."

Regulus frowned at his brother, Sirius didn't care about him. If Regulus was in Azkaban Sirius would just leave him there to rot.

Dumbledore sighed at the two brothers.

**is armed and extremely dangerous. A special hot line has been set up, and any sighting of Black should be reported immediately."**

**"No need to tell us he's no good," snorted Uncle Vernon, staring over the top of his newspaper at the prisoner. "Look at the state of him, the filthy layabout! Look at his hair!"**

Both Black brothers subconsciously touched their hair… There was nothing wrong with their hair they both thought irritably.

Remus smiled at the two, they were more alike than they thought.

**He shot a nasty look sideways at Harry, whose untidy hair had always been a source of great annoyance to Uncle Vernon. Compared to the man on the television, however, whose gaunt face was surrounded by a matted, elbow-length tangle,**

"Comb your hair you dog" Sirius said to Regulus who just stuck his tongue out at him.

**Harry felt very well groomed indeed.**

"Too bad it's not the same for your dad." Remus joked lightly, earning a pillow to the face from James who just grumbled and ran a hand through his hair.

**The reporter had reappeared.**

**"The Ministry of Agriculture and Fisheries will announce today —"**

**"Hang on!" barked Uncle Vernon, staring furiously at the reporter. "You didn't tell us where that maniac's escaped from! What use is that? Lunatic could be coming up the street right now!"**

"Azkaban" they all shivered. They knew for sure now that its someone magical because otherwise they would have said the prison.

"Bad luck Reg" Sirius said to his little brother, he actually felt sorry for him.

Remus just gave Regulus a sad smile as the boy paled.

"Who knows Black" Snape directed at Sirius "It might be you who's in prison"

"Me… Never!"

There was a silence, so to avoid awkwardness Sirius continued to read.

**Aunt Petunia, who was bony and horse-faced, whipped around and peered intently out of the kitchen window. Harry knew Aunt Petunia would simply love to be the one to call the hot line number. She was the nosiest woman in the world and spent most of her life spying on the boring, law-abiding neighbours.**

"Oh Petunia" Lily sighed… What had happened to her once beautiful sister?

Severus just rolled his eyes, in his mind Petunia had never changed.

**"When will they learn," said Uncle Vernon, pounding the table with his large purple fist, "that hanging's the only way to deal with these people?"**

Regulus put a hand to his throat.

"Wanker" Lily grumbled she had no time for Vernon and his views.

**"Very true," said Aunt Petunia, who was still squinting into next door's runner-beans.**

**Uncle Vernon drained his teacup, glanced at his watch, and added, "I'd better be off in a minute, Petunia. Marge's train gets in at ten."**

**Harry, whose thoughts had been upstairs with the Broomstick Servicing Kit, was brought back to earth with an unpleasant bump.**

**"Aunt Marge?" he blurted out. "Sh-she's not coming here, is she?"**

"Noooooooo" James shouted, making everyone whine because of the sudden load noise.

"Mr Potter if you don't shut up this instant I will give you detention for a month, cleaning the boys toilets with your own toothbrush" McGonagall threatened, James gulped and promptly shutted up,

**Aunt Marge was Uncle Vernon's sister. Even though she was not a blood relative of Harry's (whose mother had been Aunt Petunia's sister),**

"Thank god they're not actually related" Lily pretended to wipe her head of stress.

All the others frowned, how could two sisters be so different?

**he had been forced to call her 'Aunt' all his life. Aunt Marge lived in the country, in a house with a large garden, where she bred bulldogs.**

Lily wrinkled her nose in disgust, those bulldogs were disgusting.

**She didn't often stay at Privet Drive, because she couldn't bear to leave her precious dogs, but each of her visits stood out horribly vividly in Harry's mind.**

"What the hell did she do?" James growled.

**At Dudley's fifth birthday party, Aunt Marge had whacked Harry around the shins with her walking stick to stop him from beating Dudley at musical statues. A few years later, she had turned up at Christmas with a computerized robot for Dudley and a box of dog biscuits for Harry.**

"Seems like your kind of present Pads" Remus said trying to lighten the mood.

"Shut up" Sirius said harshly, and then regretted it at the look of hurt which flashed across Remus' face.

"She fed my son dog biscuits" Lily said her voice going up an octave.

Scowls were sent towards the book. Regulus, Snape, McGonagall, Dumbledore, Molly, Arthur and Lily couldn't help the confusion what riddled their minds at what Remus just said. They decided not to put their minds to it and just continue with the book.

**On her last visit, the year before Harry started at Hogwarts, Harry had accidentally trodden on the tail of her favourite dog. Ripper had chased Harry out into the garden and up a tree, and Aunt Marge had refused to call him off until past midnight.**

Sirius growled.

"Merlin the dog still lives" Lily said in a dramatic tone, making people laugh.

**The memory of this incident still brought tears of laughter to Dudley's eyes.**

"Idiot" Regulus snarled.

**"Marge'll be here for a week," Uncle Vernon snarled, "and while we're on the subject," he pointed a fat finger threateningly at Harry, "we need to get a few things straight before I go and collect her."**

**Dudley smirked and withdrew his gaze from the television. Watching Harry being bullied by Uncle Vernon was Dudley's favourite form of entertainment.**

More scowls sent towards the book.

"That boy needs a wholloping… or a good diet." Arthur said still scowling.

**"Firstly," growled Uncle Vernon, "you'll keep a civil tongue in your head when you're talking to Marge."**

**"All right," said Harry bitterly, "if she does when she's talking to me."**

James smirked, that's what he would say.

**"Secondly," said Uncle Vernon, acting as though he had not heard Harry's reply, "as Marge doesn't know anything about your abnormality, I don't want any — any funny stuff while she's here. You behave yourself, got me?"**

**"I will if she does," said Harry through gritted teeth.**

"He has your temper" James said to Lily who just turned her head to glare at him. James just shrunk back into his bean bag beside Sirius, opposite Lily.

**"And thirdly," said Uncle Vernon, his mean little eyes now slits in his great purple face, "we've told Marge you attend St. Brutus's Secure Centre for Incurably Criminal Boys."**

"WHAT?" James exclaimed.

**"What?" Harry yelled.**

Dumbledore chuckled at the resemblance between father and son.

**"And you'll be sticking to that story, boy, or there'll be trouble," spat Uncle Vernon.**

"Touch my son and he'll have hell to pay" Lily said once again red. Snape had only seen her once before like this and that was the day when he called Lily a mud blood.

**Harry sat there, white-faced and furious, staring at Uncle Vernon, hardly able to believe it. Aunt Marge coming for a weeklong visit — it was the worst birthday present the Dursleys had ever given him, including that pair of Uncle Vernon's old socks.**

**"Well, Petunia," said Uncle Vernon, getting heavily to his feet, "I'll be off to the station, then. Want to come along for the ride, Dudders?"**

**"No," said Dudley, whose attention had returned to the television now that Uncle Vernon had finished threatening Harry.**

**"Duddy's got to make himself smart for his auntie," said Aunt Petunia, smoothing Dudley's thick blond hair. "Mummy's bought him a lovely new bow-tie."**

"Will it fit round his log of a neck" Regulus thought out loud.

"I highly doubt it" Remus smiled and Regulus smiled back.

**Uncle Vernon clapped Dudley on his porky shoulder.**

**"See you in a bit, then," he said, and he left the kitchen.**

**Harry, who had been sitting in a kind of horrified trance, had a sudden idea. Abandoning his toast, he got quickly to his feet and followed Uncle Vernon to the front door.**

**Uncle Vernon was pulling on his car coat.**

**"I'm not taking you," he snarled as he turned to see Harry watching him.**

"He wouldn't want to go" Molly grumbled, resting her head on her husband's shoulder. Lily sighed; she really wanted to be like that with someone. She looked over to James and couldn't help but think how comfy his shoulder looked. Blushing furiously she hid in her hair. Remus saw this and smiled.

**"Like I wanted to come," said Harry coldly. "I want to ask you something."**

**Uncle Vernon eyed him suspiciously.**

**"Third years at Hog — at my school are allowed to visit the village sometimes," said Harry.**

**"So?" snapped Uncle Vernon, taking his car keys from a hook next to the door.**

**"I need you to sign the permission form," said Harry in a rush.**

**"And why should I do that?" sneered Uncle Vernon.**

More scowls at the book

Remus grumbled "Beth sydd wedi Harry wneud iddo? Y llwy!"

Everyone just stared at him, Remus just smiled innocently back. He loved having a welsh mother, especially one who taught him the language. He and his mother would always have a conversation in Welsh whilst his father was in the room, who didn't know the language. Once he caught the gist of what they were talking about (Him) he would leave the room with a curse.

**"Well," said Harry, choosing his words carefully, "it'll be hard work, pretending to Aunt Marge I go to that St. Whatsits…"**

"Blackmail" Regulus grinned.

**"St. Brutus's Secure Centre for Incurably Criminal Boys!" bellowed Uncle Vernon, and Harry was pleased to hear a definite note of panic in Uncle Vernon's voice.**

**"Exactly," said Harry, looking calmly up into Uncle Vernon's large, purple face. "It's a lot to remember. I'll have to make it sound convincing, won't I? What if I accidentally let something slip?"**

"He's playing fire with fire" McGonagall said happily. She's glad that Harry can stand up for himself.

**"You'll get the stuffing knocked out of you, won't you?" roared Uncle Vernon, advancing on Harry with his fist raised.**

"Touch him even once and I swear I will beat his lights out" threatened James. Lily just stared at the future father and smiled. She was glad that James was going to protect their son… 'Maybe I was wrong about James' Lily thought.

**But Harry stood his ground.**

**"Knocking the stuffing out of me won't make Aunt Marge forget what I could tell her," he said grimly.**

Sirius was grinning like a mad dog "That's my boy" he said quietly.

**Uncle Vernon stopped, his fist still raised, his face an ugly puce.**

"Nothing's changed" Regulus joked.

**"But if you sign my permission form," Harry went on quickly, "I swear I'll remember where I'm **supposed to go to school, and I'll act like a Mug — like I'm normal and everything."

**Harry could tell that Uncle Vernon was thinking it over, even if his teeth were bared and a vein was throbbing in his temple.**

"That's disgusting" Remus said.

"Totally" Sirius agreed.

They smiled at each other, an apology for Sirius outburst before was just forgiven between the two friends.

**"Right," he snapped finally. "I shall monitor your behaviour carefully during Marge's visit. If, at the end of it, you've toed the line and kept to the story, I'll sign your ruddy form."**

"You can do it Harry" James encouraged. Snape just rolled his eyes, he was egging on a book.

**He wheeled around, pulled open the front door, and slammed it so hard that one of the little panes of glass at the top fell out.**

**Harry didn't return to the kitchen. He went back upstairs to his bedroom. If he was going to act like a real Muggle, he'd better start now. Slowly and sadly he gathered up all his presents and his birthday cards and hid them under the loose floorboard with his homework. Then he went to Hedwig's cage. Errol seemed to have recovered; he and Hedwig were both asleep, heads under their wings. Harry sighed, then poked them both awake.**

"I hate getting woken up like that" Sirius said glaring at his best friend who just smiled and shrugged.

**"Hedwig," he said gloomily, "you're going to have to clear off for a week. Go with Errol. Ron'll look after you. I'll write him a note, explaining. And don't look at me like that" — Hedwig's large amber eyes were reproachful — "it's not my fault. It's the only way I'll be allowed to visit Hogsmeade with Ron and Hermione."**

"The bird will understand" Regulus said thinking about his own owl who always took the long way to Hogwarts for him so he doesn't have to read his parents letters.

**Ten minutes later, Errol and Hedwig (who had a note to Ron bound to her leg) soared out of the window and out of sight. Harry, now feeling thoroughly miserable, put the empty cage away inside the wardrobe.**

**But Harry didn't have long to brood. In next to no time, Aunt Petunia was shrieking up the stairs for Harry to come down and get ready to welcome their guest.**

**"Do something about your hair!" Aunt Petunia snapped as he reached the hall.**

"Pointless" James said running a hand through his hair making it messier than usual.

**Harry couldn't see the point of trying to make his hair lie flat. Aunt Marge loved criticizing him, so the untidier he looked, the happier she would be.**

"Bitch" Lily cursed. James was getting the impression Lily didn't really like Vernon, Dudley and Marge.

**All too soon, there was a crunch of gravel outside as Uncle Vernon's car pulled back into the driveway, then the clunk of the car doors and footsteps on the garden path.**

"Let hell begin" Arthur groaned feeling sorry for the boy.

**"Get the door!" Aunt Petunia hissed at Harry.**

"Make Dudley he needs the exercise" McGonagall hissed, she was seriously getting angry at Harry's mistreatment.

**A feeling of great gloom in his stomach, Harry pulled the door open.**

**On the threshold stood Aunt Marge. She was very like Uncle Vernon: large, beefy, and purple-faced, she even had a moustache, though not as bushy as his.**

The whole room started laughing. "Just like his mum" Remus laughed. The situation want that funny but Remus thought it was, and he has the most contagious laugh ever.

Once they all settled down and caught their breaths. Remus needed a bit of help with that, he laughed for so long and hard he needed an oxygen spell performed by Dumbledore to get enough oxygen back in his body.

This only caused more laughing with a bit of chuckling from Remus not wanting that to happen again. "Okay continue Sirius"

**In one hand she held an enormous suitcase, and tucked under the other was an old and evil-tempered bulldog.**

**"Where's my Dudders?" roared Aunt Marge. "Where's my neffy poo?"**

"Jesus Christ, she's worse than Petunia." Snape grumbled rolling his eyes.

**Dudley came waddling down the hall, his blond hair plastered flat to his fat head, a bow tie just visible under his many chins.**

Remus wrinkled his nose.

**Aunt Marge thrust the suitcase into Harry's stomach, knocking the wind out of him, seized Dudley in a tight one-armed hug, and planted a large kiss on his cheek.**

Sirius began to gag. He's starting to hate them more than his own family and that's saying something.

**Harry knew perfectly well that Dudley only put up with Aunt Marge's hugs because he was well paid for it, and sure enough, when they broke apart, Dudley had a crisp twenty-pound note clutched in his fat fist.**

"I will never get muggle money" Sirius said, all the purebloods nodded in agreement. Whilst all the halfbloods, who all had at least one parent either muggle or muggle born, and Lily rolled their eyes. It was a whole lot simpler then wizarding money Lily thought.

**"Petunia!" shouted Aunt Marge, striding past Harry as though he was a hat-stand. Aunt Marge and Aunt Petunia kissed, or rather, Aunt Marge bumped her large jaw against Aunt Petunias bony cheekbone.**

**Uncle Vernon now came in, smiling jovially as he shut the door.**

**"Tea, Marge?" he said. "And what will Ripper take?"**

"Merlin's beard, why the hell does the dog get a drink?" Arthur said furiously. "He cares for the dog more than his own family."

**"Ripper can have some tea out of my saucer," said Aunt Marge as they all proceeded into the kitchen, leaving Harry alone in the hall with the suitcase. But Harry wasn't complaining; any excuse not to be with Aunt Marge was fine by him, so he began to heave the case upstairs into the spare bedroom, taking as long as he could.**

Sirius couldn't help but relate to himself when his family use to come round. He is still so grateful to Mr and Mrs Potter for taking him in and getting him out of that hell hole.

**By the time he got back to the kitchen, Aunt Marge had been supplied with tea and fruitcake,**

"Fatty" whispered Lily angrily.

**and Ripper was lapping noisily in the corner. Harry saw Aunt Petunia wince slightly as specks of tea and drool flecked her clean floor. Aunt Petunia hated animals.**

"She's hate us then." James said signalling him, Sirius and Remus. Remus looked at him as if to say 'shut up'. Dumbledore and McGonagall were not confused why about Remus unlike everybody else, but they were suspicious about James and Sirius. What did they mean?

**"Who's looking after the other dogs, Marge?" Uncle Vernon asked.**

"Hopefully no one she left them there to die" Lily said, she really did hate those dogs.

**"Oh, I've got Colonel Fubster managing them," boomed Aunt Marge. "He's retired now, good for him to have something to do. But I couldn't leave poor old Ripper. He pines if he's away from me."**

"Just put him down" Lily suggested. She loved dogs, and she didn't mind bull dogs… It's just those bull dogs are nasty.

**Ripper began to growl again as Harry sat down. This directed Aunt Marge's attention to Harry for the first time.**

"Oh no"

**"So!" she barked. "Still here, are you?"**

**"Yes," said Harry.**

**"Don't you say 'yes' in that ungrateful tone," Aunt Marge growled**

"He can say it however he likes." James spoke with an angry tone, a frown marring his handsome features, adding quietly "Especially to her."

**"It's damn good of Vernon and Petunia to keep you. Wouldn't have done it myself. You'd have gone straight to an orphanage if you'd been dumped on my doorstep."**

"If I was on your doorstep I would have run to the orphanage myself" Remus said quietly, but everyone seemed to hear and nodded with agreement.

Sirius was glad that Remus had nice parents he would hate to think what his life would have been like if his parents weren't and hurt him because of what he is. Remus was the nicest chap anyone could ever meet; Sirius just hoped that one day he will find a girl he deserves.

**Harry was bursting to say that he'd rather live in an orphanage than with the Dursleys, but the thought of the Hogsmeade form stopped him. He forced his face into a painful smile.**

**"Don't you smirk at me!" boomed Aunt Marge. "I can see you haven't improved since I last saw you. I hoped school would knock some manners into you."**

"What does she mean by that" Molly inquired.

**She took a large gulp of tea, wiped her moustache, and said, "Where is it that you send him, again, Vernon?"**

**"St. Brutus's," said Uncle Vernon promptly. "It's a first-rate institution for hopeless cases."**

**"I see," said Aunt Marge. "Do they use the cane at St. Brutus's, boy?" she barked across the table.**

**"Er —"**

"She did not just ask that." Remus asked shocked.

**Uncle Vernon nodded curtly behind Aunt Marge's back.**

**"Yes," said Harry. Then, feeling he might as well do the thing properly, he added, "All the time."**

Everyone even Snape was scowling at the book now.

**"Excellent," said Aunt Marge. "I won't have this namby-pamby, wishy-washy nonsense about not hitting people who deserve it. A good thrashing is what's needed in ninety-nine cases out of a hundred. Have you been beaten often?"**

"Wonder what she would do if someone was to hit Dudley." Lily wondered.

"Probably rugby tackles the person to the ground and squash em" Remus answered. Lily just laughed at him. All the purebloods were confused as to what rugby was, but didn't bother asking.

**"Oh, yeah," said Harry, "loads of times."**

**Aunt Marge narrowed her eyes.**

**"I still don't like your tone, boy," she said. "If you can speak of your beatings in that casual way, they clearly aren't hitting you hard enough. Petunia, I'd write if I were you. Make it clear that you approve the use of extreme force in this boy's case."**

"Go ahead; I'd love to see what Dumbledore would write back to that." Sirius said.

They all looked at Dumbledore and saw him smiling "I would write things which I can't repeat to a bunch of seventh and fifth years."

**Perhaps Uncle Vernon was worried that Harry might forget their bargain; in any case, he changed the subject abruptly.**

**"Heard the news this morning, Marge? What about that escaped prisoner, eh?"**

**As Aunt Marge started to make herself at home, Harry caught himself thinking almost longingly of life at number four without her. Uncle Vernon and Aunt Petunia usually encouraged Harry to stay out of their way, which Harry was only too happy to do. Aunt Marge, on the other hand, wanted Harry under her eye at all times, so that she could boom out suggestions for his improvement. She delighted in comparing Harry with Dudley,**

"Harry's better"

**and took huge pleasure in buying Dudley expensive presents while glaring at Harry, as though daring him to ask why he hadn't got a present too.**

More scowls.

**She also kept throwing out dark hints about what made Harry such an unsatisfactory person.**

Teeth bore.

**"You mustn't blame yourself for the way the boy's turned out, Vernon," she said over lunch on the third day. "If there's something rotten on the inside, there's nothing anyone can do about it."**

James and Lily frowned at the sound of them being the reason their son is like what he is. Actually they were glad because they made Harry to be a very nice person, it was them who starved him making him skinny and small.

**Harry tried to concentrate on his food, but his hands shook and his face was starting to burn with anger. Remember the form, he told himself. Think about Hogsmeade. Don't say anything. Don't rise —**

**Aunt Marge reached for her glass of wine.**

**"It's one of the basic rules of breeding," she said. "You see it all the time with dogs. If there's something wrong with the bitch, there'll be something wrong with the pup —"**

"WHAT!" Snape and James shouted at the top of their voices.

"THAT BITCH, HOW DARE SHE SAY SUCH A THING? I SWEAR ON MERLIN IF EVER MEET HER SHE WONT BE INSULTING NO MORE." James continued. Lily was shocked at how much James stuck up for her and cared about her.

**At that moment, the wineglass Aunt Marge was holding exploded in her hand. Shards of glass flew in every direction and Aunt Marge sputtered and blinked, her great ruddy face dripping.**

"Good chap" Regulus said. He didn't like this muggle one bit.

**"Marge!" squealed Aunt Petunia. "Marge, are you all right?"**

**"Not to worry," grunted Aunt Marge, **

"Unfortunately"

**mopping her face with her napkin. "Must have squeezed it too hard. Did the same thing at Colonel Fubster's the other day. No need to fuss, Petunia, I have a very firm grip…"**

**But Aunt Petunia and Uncle Vernon were both looking at Harry suspiciously, so he decided he'd better skip dessert and escape from the table as soon as he could.**

**Outside in the hall, he leaned against the wall, breathing deeply. It had been a long time since he'd lost control and made something explode. He couldn't afford to let it happen again. The Hogsmeade form wasn't the only thing at stake — if he carried on like that, he'd be in trouble with the Ministry of Magic.**

"No he wouldn't, you can use magic if it's really necessary and I think it was very necessary." Dumbledore spoke with his eyes twinkling.

**Harry was still an underage wizard, and he was forbidden by wizard law to do magic outside school. His record wasn't exactly clean either. Only last summer he'd gotten an official warning that had stated quite clearly that if the Ministry got wind of any more magic in Privet Drive, Harry would face expulsion from Hogwarts.**

"Never"

**He heard the Dursleys leaving the table and hurried upstairs out of the way.**

**Harry got through the next three days by forcing himself to think about his Handbook of Do-It-Yourself Broomcare whenever Aunt Marge started on him. This worked quite well, though it seemed to give him a glazed look, because Aunt Marge started voicing the opinion that he was mentally subnormal.**

**At last, at long last, the final evening of Marge's stay arrived.**

They all cheered.

**Aunt Petunia cooked a fancy dinner and Uncle Vernon uncorked several bottles of wine. They got all the way through the soup and the salmon without a single mention of Harry's faults; during the lemon meringue pie, Uncle Vernon bored them a with a long talk about Grunnings, his drill-making company; then Aunt Petunia made coffee and Uncle Vernon brought out a bottle of brandy.**

**"Can I tempt you, Marge?"**

**Aunt Marge had already had quite a lot of wine. Her huge face was very red.**

**"Just a small one, then," she chuckled. "A bit more than that… and a bit more… that's the ticket."**

"Very small" Arthur grumbled.

**Dudley was eating his fourth slice of pie.**

"Pig" Lily said. There was a limit, she wouldn't mind if that person was nice and shared but he had it all to himself.

Remus, Sirius and James all looked like they were in heaven. All thinking of Mrs Lupin's pie, all three of them had four slices each as well so couldn't blame Dudley if it was nice.

**Aunt Petunia was sipping coffee with her little finger sticking out. Harry really wanted to disappear into his bedroom, but he met Uncle Vernon's angry little eyes and knew he would have to sit it out.**

**"Aah," said Aunt Marge, smacking her lips and putting the empty brandy glass back down. "Excellent nosh, Petunia. It's normally just a fry-up for me of an evening, with twelve dogs to look after…" She burped richly and patted her great tweed stomach. "Pardon me. But I do like to see a healthy-sized boy," she went on, winking at Dudley. **

"Dudley's not healthy"

**"You'll be a proper-sized man, Dudders, like your father. Yes, I'll have a spot more brandy, Vernon…"**

**"Now, this one here —"**

**She jerked her head at Harry, who felt his stomach clench. The Handbook, he thought quickly.**

**"This one's got a mean, runty look about him. You get that with dogs. I had Colonel Fubster drown one last year. Ratty little thing it was. Weak. Underbred."**

All the kids just stared open mouthed at the book. She couldn't be serious.

**Harry was trying to remember page twelve of his book: A Charm to Cure Reluctant Reversers.**

**"It all comes down to blood, as I was saying the other day. Bad blood will out. Now, I'm saying nothing against your family, Petunia" — she patted Aunt Petunia's bony hand with her shovel-like one "but your sister was a bad egg. They turn up in the best families. Then she ran off with a wastrel and here's the result right in front of us."**

James and Lily were pissed.

**Harry was staring at his plate, a funny ringing in his ears. Grasp your broom firmly by the tail, he thought. But he couldn't remember what came next. Aunt Marge's voice seemed to be boring into him like one of Uncle Vernon's drills.**

**"This Potter," said Aunt Marge loudly, seizing the brandy bottle and splashing more into her glass and over the tablecloth, "you never told me what he did?"**

"The best Auror to ever live I'm going to be" James said proudly. The people in the room room just shook their heads and told him to shut up.

**Uncle Vernon and Aunt Petunia were looking extremely tense. Dudley had even looked up from his pie to gape at his parents.**

**"He — didn't work," said Uncle Vernon, with half a glance at Harry. "Unemployed."**

"Bull shit" James hissed, of course he would have a job.

**"As I expected!" said Aunt Marge, taking a huge swig of brandy and wiping her chin on her sleeve. "A no-account, good-for-nothing, lazy scrounger who —"**

Lily's blood began to boil "HE IS NOT!" She shouted at the top of her voice making people jump. James just stared at Lily, nodding his head in thanks then turned his gaze to the ground.

**"He was not," said Harry suddenly. The table went very quiet. Harry was shaking all over. He had never felt so angry in his life.**

"Good boy" Sirius said, he had to stick up for his dad.

**"MORE BRANDY!" yelled Uncle Vernon, who had gone very white. He emptied the bottle into Aunt Marge's glass. "You, boy," he snarled at Harry. "Go to bed, go on —"**

**"No, Vernon," hiccupped Aunt Marge, holding up a hand, her tiny bloodshot eyes fixed on Harry's. "Go on, boy, go on. Proud of your parents, are you? They go and get themselves killed in a car crash (drunk, I expect) —"**

Sirius was holding the book so hard now his fingers had gone white. No one should talk about his friend like that.

**"They didn't die in a car crash!" said Harry, who found himself on his feet.**

**"They died in a car crash, you nasty little liar, and left you to be a burden on their decent, hardworking relatives!" screamed Aunt Marge, swelling with fury. "You are an insolent, ungrateful little —"**

Sirius began to laugh as he read ahead, everyone leaned in curiously.

**But Aunt Marge suddenly stopped speaking. For a moment, it looked as though words had failed her. She seemed to be swelling with inexpressible anger — but the swelling didn't stop.**

"He didn't"

"He did"

"He's doing what James did to the DADA professor in third year."

**Her great red face started to expand, her tiny eyes bulged, and her mouth stretched too tightly for speech — next second, several buttons had just burst from her tweed jacket and pinged off the walls — she was inflating like a monstrous balloon, her stomach bursting free of her tweed waistband, each of her fingers blowing up like a salami…**

The whole room were on the floor laughing now. Remus' contagious laugh, made them laugh even more.

**"MARGE!" yelled Uncle Vernon and Aunt Petunia together as Aunt Marge's whole body began to rise off her chair toward the ceiling. She was entirely round, now, like a vast life buoy with piggy eyes, and her hands and feet stuck out weirdly as she drifted up into the air, making apoplectic popping noises. Ripper came skidding into the room, barking madly.**

**"NOOOOOOO!"**

**Uncle Vernon seized one of Marge's feet and tried to pull her down again, but was almost lifted from the floor himself. A second later, Ripper leapt forward and sank his teeth into Uncle Vernon's leg.**

Remus was rolling on the floor now, he seriously thinks he's going to wet himself.

**Harry tore from the dining room before anyone could stop him, heading for the cupboard under the stairs. The cupboard door burst magically open as he reached it.**

**In seconds, he had heaved his trunk to the front door. He sprinted upstairs and threw himself under the bed, wrenching up the loose floorboard, and grabbed the pillowcase full of his books and birthday presents. He wriggled out, seized Hedwig's empty cage, and dashed back downstairs to his trunk, just as Uncle Vernon burst out of the dining room, his trouser leg in bloody tatters.**

**"COME BACK IN HERE!" he bellowed. "COME BACK AND PUT HER RIGHT!"**

Dumbledore gave Remus another oxygen spell when he finally stopped laughing. Everything turned serious again.

"Don't" Sirius said as if Harry could hear him.

**But a reckless rage had come over Harry. He kicked his trunk open, pulled out his wand, and pointed it at Uncle Vernon.**

The occupants in the room stiffened.

**"She deserved it," Harry said, breathing very fast. "She deserved what she got. You keep away from me."**

**He fumbled behind him for the latch on the door.**

**"I'm going," Harry said. "I've had enough."**

**And in the next moment, he was out in the dark, quiet street, heaving his heavy trunk behind him, Hedwig's cage under his arm.**

"He shouldn't have left" Molly said worriedly.

"That's the end of the chapter" Sirius said looking around at people's faces.

"At least Marge got a bit of medicine" Lily said. She was still blushing from before from when she stuck up for James.

"Who wants to read next?"

"I will Mr Black"

Sirius handed the book over to McGonagall who was on the couch next to him.

"**The Knight Bus"**

* * *

**A new day, a new chapter! What did you think?**

**I am SiriuslyLoopyDora, feel free to read any of my other Fics!**

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**p.s. I can take CONSTRUCTIVE criticism **


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